hurting.

unknown source//

I've been thinking a lot about writing this post - if I even wanted to publish it or not.  It's hard to put your most guarded emotions and thoughts into a blogpost and hit 'publish' for the rest of the world to see.  But at the same time, I'm not peppy/bubbly/happy all of the time, and I owe it to you to let you see all of me, which includes the less-than-cheerful sides.  So here we go.

A few weeks ago I found out that I wasn't accepted to Cal Poly State University at San Luis Obispo, my ultimate #1 choice.  I was positive I'd get in, and almost didn't apply to UCSC (University of California at Santa Cruz, for those not in the area), my "Plan B", because I was so sure of my admission.  The reason for that being that I'm going to be a junior transfer student, who has done all of her underdivision work for a specific major, and will be transferring with an AA in that major.  I thought that would seal the deal.  Nope.

I had been checking my Cal Poly account daily for news, and as soon as I saw "you have not been selected for admission" my heart practically stopped, and I burst into tears.  I cried for an hour straight.  I know you're probably thinking, "Well, it's just a school.  Go to a different one."  It wasn't just the school.  In that one, single moment, I watched the future I had dreamed of for months go spiraling down the drain.  I fell in love with the town of SLO when I was there last March, and couldn't wait to live there.  Jamba Juice was also founded there and I had planned on transferring down to work at the original location (I work for them and have for 16 months!).  It may seem kind of silly to hear this, but I love my company in its entirety and it meant so much to me to work at the original store.  And now I won't.

It's really tough to realize that you have no idea where your life is going to be in six months, when you had just had it all planned out last week.  To have your future ripped out of your hands like that.  But it's also an opportunity to learn to pick yourself up and try to convince yourself that it wasn't meant to be.  'Try' being the keyword.  I'm still struggling immensely with trying to accept that I wasn't meant to be at Cal Poly.  I don't believe in any higher power (I've been to church a whopping two times! both as a child at that), but I do believe that things happen for a reason.  What reason that is, I have no idea right now.  But hopefully it'll become apparent soon.

This quote is really helping me, so I thought I'd share it in case you needed to hear it too:  "The important thing is not to be bitter about life's disappointments, but to let go of the past.  And recognize that every day won't be something.  And when you find yourself lost in darkness and despair... remember it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home.  Maybe you'll get everything you wish for, maybe you'll get more than you could ever imagine.  Who knows where life will take you.  The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination."

If you're still reading, thank you - for listening.   xx

P.S.  I'm still waiting to hear from UCSC.  Fingers ultimately crossed for that because if I don't get in, I won't be going to school in the fall.  :/